DSF32 TOPICS: “Fear; Balance; Happiness.”
TOPICS: “Fear; Balance; Happiness.”
I am very grateful to be here.
This site has been my life line for several years now
these topics, I relate to them & the others sharers this morning.
I too, turned my back on god for a while
doing it on my own
I found that didn’t help me very much
I had to ask god for a lot of help in my program
even to be able to focus on me at all
which was not only terrifying at first but I was also
guilt laden for that year, while I was diligently practicing focusing on self.
I had to ask for help and to be shown the way
because it was foreign territory for me
then I realized, that when I look into the future
even one iota
fear comes bubbling up
the acronym that helped me the most because of my habitual – projecting
was- future events arent real
because it isn’t reality – simply put.
When we go off to “what if’s,” and try to speculate
it is just coming from our own imaginations
and I projected and thought of the worst possible scenarios and people.
As I let go of it and practice being in the NOW
I felt that fear dissipate.
Also realizing — that anything we attempt to do
that we’ve never done before
is naturally going to be a little scary to us
just because it is new
and that is ok.
We don’t have to get the fear gone
before we attempt to move forward in our lives.
I was told this was the definition of courage
but I didn’t want to focus on that
because courage seemed – so “big” and daunting.
I just focused on doing it anyway, in spite of the fear
and telling myself it was ok – it was NEW behavior.
The NOW is reality
the now is when we can take action and make a change.
It is very exciting and empowering
to simply make that first change and see the new results/consequences.
Whatever I do for me and my program, pays me back in some way.
So all the years of wasted efforts
attempting to please others
what a joke and a royal waste of time
life is short.
You will NEVER please everyone, nor can you make others happy
but if you work to please YOUrself
you have the greatest chance of actually being able to accomplish ~ pleasing a person.
I won’t talk about balance because I feel it eludes me lol
I have found the well inner joy
the kind I had as a little kid – at 10 y/o or so is when it went away
and I became skeptical, bored & even jaded.
I began to expect things
and project about what I assumed would occur
waiting for the other shoe to drop.
As a kid that helped me because
I didn’t get too happy or excited anymore – I no longer got my hopes up
because of what was going on in the house.
For example, my mom would give me a gift
but if I didn’t jump on it in her timely fashion
which was right away or seem overly interested or excited about it
she thought I wasnt interested at all and she would give it to someone else.
I felt like I couldn’t trust her that much anymore, I felt betrayed sometimes.
Anyway – I’ve forgiven that now and am digressing
but I did tap into rage at that age and that stuck with me to adulthood.
This was a coping mechanism I adopted in childhood thinking it would
protect me from being hurt.
As an adult, it wasnt serving me anymore
its like a wall (defense) that I got stuck behind always
expecting the absolute worst.
I got into NOW and began the work of self-love.
Then began what turned out to be the year of forgiveness work.
Shortly after that I began to feel real happiness coming up in me
and I noticed this – shoe dropping/expectant waiting experience -
of not allowing myself to get over joyed anymore or hopeful.
What a waste of good times, life and experiences I could have been having.
I am not going to kick me about it anymore. I can say that I am grateful now that
I have shared this experience with a member here. My fear of joy or my rejection of it.
She said, “so what is going to happen if you do feel over joyed, do it.”
Because I had told her that I was so afraid to feel it.
I started to consider it and I thought, ‘yeah, what can happen?’ I gave into this joy and
I felt like I was going to explode with energy.
Over the next few days the elated excitement calmed down
but the overflowing joy remained. I began to feel more calm.
How I got to that feeling that joy and having that realization was this:
I began to focus on all of the little things I was grateful for in my life, day and reality.
The little incidental stuff that we don’t normally pay much attention to-
like the fact I was feeding myself healthy nutritious food
or that I valued and was actively loving me in the moment(s), my cats, my family and friends.
I don’t want to diminish how vitally important it is to forgive YOUrself and others
because that was free-ing me from the past and the pain
from the abusers and abusive/traumatic episodes I endured.
Forgiving me, was honoring me
and it is about loving me with compassion and understanding.
All of the dark, scarred and cloudy things that were in my soul now
had light pouring out of them.
I began to see myself like a crystal with lots of fragmented broken bits inside
that the light now made it appear to kaleidoscope out of me in a new and beautiful way.
I am grateful for the pain because it has lead me here, to a place of transformation and liberation.