DSF32 TOPICS: “Fear; Balance; Happiness.”

TOPICS: “Fear;  Balance;  Happiness.”

I am very grateful to be here.

This site has been my life line for several years now

these topics, I relate to them & the others sharers this morning.

I too, turned my back on god for a while

doing it on my own

I found that didn’t help me very much

I had to ask god for a lot of help in my program

even to be able to focus on me at all

which was not only terrifying at first but I was also

guilt laden for that year, while I was diligently practicing focusing on self.

I had to ask for help and to be shown the way

because it was foreign territory for me

then I realized, that when I look into the future

even one iota

fear comes bubbling up

the acronym that helped me the most because of my habitual – projecting

was- future events arent real

because it isn’t reality – simply put.

When we go off to “what if’s,” and try to speculate

it is just coming from our own imaginations

and I projected and thought of the worst possible scenarios and people.

As I let go of it and practice being in the NOW

I felt that fear dissipate.

Also realizing — that anything we attempt to do

that we’ve never done before

is naturally going to be a little scary to us

just because it is new

and that is ok.

We don’t have to get the fear gone

before we attempt to move forward in our lives.

I was told this was the definition of courage

but I didn’t want to focus on that

because courage seemed – so “big” and daunting.

I just focused on doing it anyway, in spite of the fear

and telling myself it was ok – it was NEW behavior.

The NOW is reality

the now is when we can take action and make a change.

It is very exciting and empowering

to simply make that first change and see the new results/consequences.

Whatever I do for me and my program, pays me back in some way.

So all the years of wasted efforts

attempting to please others

what a joke and a royal waste of time

life is short.

You will NEVER please everyone, nor can you make others happy

but if you work to please YOUrself

you have the greatest chance of actually being able to accomplish ~ pleasing a person.

I won’t talk about balance because I feel it eludes me lol

happiness however

I have found the well inner joy

the kind I had as a little kid – at 10 y/o or so is when it went away

and I became skeptical, bored & even jaded.

I began to expect things

and project about what I assumed would occur

waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As a kid that helped me because

I didn’t get too happy or excited anymore – I no longer got my hopes up

because of what was going on in the house.

For example, my mom would give me a gift

but if I didn’t jump on it in her timely fashion

which was right away or seem overly interested or excited about it

she thought I wasnt interested at all and she would give it to someone else.

I felt like I couldn’t trust her that much anymore, I felt betrayed sometimes.

Anyway – I’ve forgiven that now and am digressing

but I did tap into rage at that age and that stuck with me to adulthood.

This was a coping mechanism I adopted in childhood thinking it would

protect me from being hurt.

As an adult, it wasnt serving me anymore

its like a wall (defense) that I got stuck behind always

expecting the absolute worst.

I got into NOW and began the work of self-love.

Then began what turned out to be the year of forgiveness work.

Shortly after that I began to feel real happiness coming up in me

and I noticed this – shoe dropping/expectant waiting experience -

of not allowing myself to get over joyed anymore or hopeful.

What a waste of good times, life and experiences I could have been having.

I am not going to kick me about it anymore.  I can say that I am grateful now that

I have shared this experience with a member here.  My fear of joy or my rejection of it.

She said, “so what is going to happen if you do feel over joyed, do it.”

Because I had told her that I was so afraid to feel it.

I started to consider it and I thought, ‘yeah, what can happen?’  I gave into this joy and

I felt like I was going to explode with energy.

Over the next few days the elated excitement calmed down

but the overflowing joy remained.  I began to feel more calm.

How I got to that feeling that joy and having that realization was this:

I began to focus on all of the little things I was grateful for in my life, day and reality.

The little incidental stuff that we don’t normally pay much attention to-

like the fact I was feeding myself healthy nutritious food

or that I valued and was actively loving me in the moment(s), my cats, my family and friends.

I don’t want to diminish how vitally important it is to forgive YOUrself and others

because that was free-ing me from the past and the pain

from the abusers and abusive/traumatic episodes I endured.

Forgiving me, was honoring me

and it is about loving me with compassion and understanding.

All of the dark, scarred and cloudy things that were in my soul now

had light pouring out of them.

I began to see myself like a crystal with lots of fragmented broken bits inside

that the light now made it appear to kaleidoscope out of me in a new and beautiful way.

I am grateful for the pain because it has lead me here, to a place of transformation and liberation.

done

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