DSF3 Today’s TOPICS: “self love & self forgiveness, faith, gratitude & expecting miracles”

Today’s TOPICS: “self love & self forgiveness, faith,  gratitude, expecting miracles” ~

thank you, I’m happy to be here today

when I came back to al-anon, I felt like a failure

but more than that I was so filled with hatred

I didn’t love myself

in fact I openly abused me

I was angry and wanted to kill my step dad

the best thing I ever did was apply this program to my life

I had to surrender everything

my thoughts, my ego, my wants

my feelings

I needed help

spiritual help and emotional help

here, I was able to focus on me and love me after 2 yrs of very hard

and diligent conscious work

I took some of the love I so freely and effortlessly gave to my mom

and applied it to me

it was awkward

to say the least

but once I got past all that

it changed me so fast

I set and followed through on my boundaries

and clung to the program with blinders on

my mantras were, MYOB

mind my own business focus on me, on loving me first like my own first priority

and detach from everything else

I had MAJOR control issues

it’s so funny when we think we know what is good for everyone else

and yet our lives are terrible, chaotic and miserable

we aren’t god, we can’t help them

when we are in the dark ourselves–

before I attempted to ever love or accept  me

I was this gaping hole of desperation

desperate for love, approval, validation, attention seeking it at every turn

like crumbs from everybody

I had to stop what I was doing and try something else

I focused on what is healthy – mentally and emotionally

and I sought out those folks and studied that behavior to emulate it in program

because that was what I wanted – health and peace

I started looking deep inside

at my issues and unresolved feelings

once I opened up that well

they just kept coming up

naturally bubbling up and out

to be released

I spent about a year, doing forgiveness work

I had much to forgive others for

and every time I tried to forgive someone else

I found myself having to forgive me, first

for being human and having the anger/resentment and unresolved pain in the first place

the chains that bind us to the past, the hateful, painful and heart-breaking

are ones of bitterness, resentment, judgments & condemnation

comparisons & expectations

I am only human

to forgive, we only need to surrender and get willing to

to become willing so you can get to being teachable

god does the rest, once we surrender it all

about a year or more ago

I began to focus on gratitude

in 3 weeks time of doing that- consciously and daily, it changed my life again

and I don’t mean the big stuff

I started with the tiniest mundane things

like air, food

just being alive

because I had been suicidal and attempted 3 times

it is a miracle I am here

and I don’t take anything for granted anymore what we focus on grows!!

I did have to go back into some great pain, to release it

and walk through it

but I realized if I keep re-living the past

it makes it real for today and now

I chose (and choose) to get focused on what I wanted to manifest

but I have to release the outcomes fully and completely

because if I am hanging on with that control, gripping life

I buffer the miracles and possibilities from ever landing

and I won’t see the opportunities and choices right there in front of me

because I am not calm, centered on what I can change and emotional

practicing that gives me a new opportunity now

I do have faith and believe in miracles – because I have witnessed them in me & others

all I have to do is recognize the miracle of my life -right now-

and I experience that reality -right now-

grateful to be here, healing with you all

done

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