DSF21 TOPICS: “Decision-making; Taking care of ourselves; Changing what I can.”

TOPICS: “Decision-making; Taking care of ourselves; Changing what I can.” 2-22-2010

I don’t feel all that talkative today but when no one shares, I step up

because sharing is how I get these thoughts out and ease my burden, work my program

taking care of ourselves

I realized early in program – that no one was going to do it for me

even though, I sure didn’t know how

or even necessarily – want to get better

it was terrifying and

I had a lot of time invested, pride and ego involved in my role as permanent care taker

I was this self-sacrificing -wonderful person-

one day I realized I was wasting my life

the gift of life, I was given by HP/god

what was I showing god for this gift?

dismissing me only showed god that I didn’t care about my life or value it

and it was true – I didn’t care about me

part of what I was “getting off on” about this old/sick behavior

was the lie – the mind trip that I was doing something greater

by being self-sacrificing

and being miserable in that role and dynamic

I was not -honoring, valuing, loving me

no one was gonna take care of me or love me the way I wanted to be loved

because I had to do it – for me

that is when I truly began to change in the program

I stepped up, for me – to love me first, make me my own priority

and taking the serenity prayer, to heart and applying that truth

that I am the only one I can change or control

surely – my loved ones, even though they were/are codependent too

and they wanted me to bend to their will, to do what they ask

to save them from their crises and chaos

and they still resented me too for it

so they were resenting me for being the caretaker

I was resenting me for being the care taker of them

just more abuse piling on me

and here I was, perpetuating it all

so, I had to carve out some love, honor, value – for me

loving me first – changed everything

loving me gave me the permission to set boundaries and follow through on them

I got emotional detachment for the first time ever

I felt free

or at least – I tasted (emotional) freedom

and I wanted so much more of that feeling/experience

I used to be obsessed by other’s issues, moods, attitudes

whims, even

but I had to let that go and turn my awareness and attention

to me, where I could do some good with it

and make constructive changes in my life

this program really does work, when you apply it to yourself and stop taking personal inventory of others

my mind has opened so much right here, simply by working it

and I am not as judgmental as I used to be – thank god!

today, I can make mistakes and try again

the world doesn’t stop or blame me – if I try and fail

that was all in my head

you can do it too

anything you want, it takes the desire but it takes diligence and constant practice

anything in life – you can achieve by working it one day at a time

I have done so much in the last few years I have been here

by simply, taking it slowly

taking it in increments

and focusing on what I can do – for right now/today with me and for me

empower yourself – everything is a choice

thanks for being here ~ I am so very grateful

done