DSF26 TOPICS: “Honesty with self, Unacceptable Behavior, Victim Role.”
TOPICS: “Honesty with self, Unacceptable Behavior, Victim Role.” 3-15-2010
I was the martyr
and certainly not the only one in the family
but that was what I took on
so yes, I did feel like the victim tons of the time.
I guess I got something out of it at that time
I told myself it was good (twisted) or that I deserved it somehow (punishing/judgmental)
but that was what I thought back then
and when you think you deserve something
you actually manifest that by your feelings and make it come true
and then, you see, you actually do deserve that. We think we are doormats and when something happens
to prove that, yes you are a doormat — it validates this sick thought in your head, this sick belief.
I needed to change everything.
When I got here, I was here for over a year
before I attempted suicide for the 3rd time in a 21 year span-
program became a choice of life or death for me.
Obviously I was unhappy
I had to expand what I thought I deserved
I was taking on years of past junk
emotional neglect, sick logic and lots of negative and judgmental beliefs.
I don’t know- I was left to my own devices a lot as a child
way too early independence
and I enjoyed a lot of my childhood, so it gets confusing
separating what was unhealthy from what seemed like the “fun stuff” because it was exciting and/or chaotic
anyway I realized as long as I think like a victim, I will continue to be that and attract those experiences into my life.
I began to empower myself with changes
because I was in control, I was doing it and deciding what changes to make, what changes that would allow me to feel better. It started with awareness of the thoughts I was having.
You have to be brutally honest in this program
if you want to succeed.
It is vital, to come out of denial and really be truly honest with yourself and what you can take (tolerate) and what you want and need.
I began learning to love myself
treating me with kindness, gentleness, dignity and respect and honor
and it was - uncomfortable to say the least
painful even, foreign
but like with my self-focus that was impossible for me at first
with diligent practice I eventually I got it.
I stuck with self-love.
Today I can say I love me, easily and mean it and I do
but it wasnt easy in the beginning.
Unacceptable behavior, that gets squashed with boundaries
for me setting boundaries - was so critically important
it did many things for me
I began to feel my own self-respect
when I followed through on them for me.
It gave me a plan of action to take in a crisis
so I didn’t have to think about it
I simply had a plan of action to follow
that made it easier to stick to me and just do
what I promised myself
which in turn gave me more good feelings of self-assuredness.
It was changing me, I was through the program
and I got the respect and detachment feelings going within.
I am very grateful to be here and glad that I gave myself permission to-
because before al-anon I was so afraid of failure, I wouldn’t even move ~ frozen.