DSF26 TOPICS: “Honesty with self, Unacceptable Behavior, Victim Role.”

TOPICS: “Honesty with self, Unacceptable Behavior, Victim Role.” 3-15-2010

I was the martyr

and certainly not the only one in the family

but that was what I took on

so yes, I did feel like the victim tons of the time.

I guess I got something out of it at that time

I told myself it was good (twisted) or that I deserved it somehow (punishing/judgmental)

but that was what I thought back then

and when you think you deserve something

you actually manifest that by your feelings and make it come true

and then, you see, you actually do deserve that.  We think we are doormats and when something happens

to prove that, yes you are a doormat — it validates this sick thought in your head, this sick belief.

I needed to change everything.

When I got here, I was here for over a year

before I attempted suicide for the 3rd time in a 21 year span-

program became a choice of life or death for me.

Obviously I was unhappy

I had to expand what I thought I deserved

I was taking on years of past junk

emotional neglect, sick logic and lots of negative and judgmental beliefs.

I don’t know-  I was left to my own devices a lot as a child

way too early independence

and I enjoyed a lot of my childhood, so it gets confusing

separating what was unhealthy from what seemed like the “fun stuff” because it was exciting and/or chaotic

anyway  I realized as long as I think like a victim, I will continue to be that and attract those experiences into my life.

I began to empower myself with changes

because I was in control, I was doing it and deciding what changes to make, what changes that would allow me to feel better.  It started with awareness of the thoughts I was having.

You have to be brutally honest in this program

if you want to succeed.

It is vital, to come out of denial and really be truly honest with yourself and what you can take (tolerate) and what you want and need.

I began learning to love myself

treating me with kindness, gentleness, dignity and respect and honor

and it was – uncomfortable to say the least

painful even, foreign

but like with my self-focus that was impossible for me at first

with diligent practice I eventually I got it.

I stuck with self-love.

Today I can say I love me, easily and mean it and I do

but it wasnt easy in the beginning.

Unacceptable behavior, that gets squashed with boundaries

for me setting boundaries – was so critically important

it did many things for me

I began to feel my own self-respect

when I followed through on them for me.

It gave me a plan of action to take in a crisis

so I didn’t have to think about it

I simply had  a plan of action to follow

that made it easier to stick to me and just do

what I promised myself

which in turn gave me more good feelings of self-assuredness.

It was changing me, I was through the program

and I got the respect and detachment feelings going within.

I am very grateful to be here and glad that I gave myself permission to-

to try

because before al-anon I was so afraid of failure, I wouldn’t even move ~ frozen.

done

  1. We hear about about loving ourselves all the time. But real-izing it — making it real — is an actual process. We cannot just hear it & then it’s true. We must embrace it & make it real. It sounds like you’re doing just that! Kudos to you!

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