DSF29 Topics: “Unearned Guilt, Resentment, Learning Self-Love”
DSF29 Topics: “Unearned Guilt, Resentment, Learning Self-Love” from 3-26-2010
Thank you everyone, I’m grateful to be here
I am acoa and was raised by an acoa (adult child of addict/alcoholic)
we are codie (inter-dependent, co-dependent) to the core
and the relationship was full of manipulation/manipulative dynamics.
As an adult, a product of that manipulation was this false guilt I felt
I was told here, it was “false” guilt
because guilt comes after you do something that you deem/judge/value as “wrong”
yet I had this guilt way in advance
I was sick of that feeling and I wanted to dump it and the codie (co-dependent) behaviors
I had to focus on and use logic to get anywhere with my thick, stubborn, resistant brain/ego
the ego wants to be right at any and all cost(s)
the ego wants glory
the ego is not that smart!
All of the times I felt humiliation, it was my ego that was hurt.
I can separate that from me
I can step back and be objective because I am my soul, not my “ego.”
This helps so much to do this because the pain lessens immediately and
then you can face it, deal with it, work it through and learn to cope with it in healthier and more productive ways.
I had tons of this false guilt from a lifetime of being a codependent enabler, door mat and people pleaser.
I was a slave to this habitual behavior and my patterned emotional reactions.
I had to literally ignore that feeling of guilt
because I knew there was nothing “wrong” with wanting to focus on me
that is what healthy people do.
I kept “healthy” as my specific goal.
When I did get back to al-anon/ACoA
I was ready and willing to do whatever it took for me to get healthy.
I became teachable and was not going to sit with this pain any longer.
You have to want solutions and health more than the blame, hopelessness and denial.
I surrendered my ideas, what I thought was “right,” my judgements and comparisons.
I began examining and letting go the coping mechanisms I used/developed as a child
that I was still using as a habitual pattern.
We have so many more choices than we realize ~ you always have a choice.
Self-love wasnt emulated for me
What does that get you? Being a martyr?
I was told right here in fellowship that all martyr-ing gets you is dead!
And I knew that was true, since I had been so suicidal previously in life.
Others here told me I was worth loving
I listened to them. I allowed myself to accept what was being said because I “believed” it was true logically.
Eventually I got to where I was willing to attempt it, to be accepting of it
because I had been focusing on self in a healthy way and the guilt for doing so, finally dissipated.
I felt more confident. I already had been setting boundaries and was following through on them for me and in so doing
I was getting self-respect and detachment from me and others.
Emotionally I told myself, it was about “self-preservation.”
I took a % of the love that I so easily put on my mom
I got this idea from Caroline Myss’ dvd (The Energetics of Healing- she is a meta-physical healer)
and she said think of your energy like this:
Each day u have 100 units of energy/love to use
identify and write down where your energy goes
to job, house, love, society, whatever it is to get a starting point of where you are in terms of your energy expenditures.
Well, I gave tons to my mom and that relationship – about 40% and I wrote down where the rest went and finished my list.
I was not even on my list :| at all! I knew I had a serious problem.
Ok, so I took 1% from the love I so easily gave to my mom and gave it back to me
completely overwhelmed by it.
So, I got down to 1/4 of 1%
said ok, I can take this tiny crumb
this .25% – I can accept that.
I felt ridiculous
pathetic and utterly pitiful with my ego trying to stomp me down for it.
Part of self-love was not doing the negative self-talk anymore
and I needed to stop kicking myself. (There is no shame in being honest and accepting the truth about yourself because only then can you begin to change what no longer works for you as an adult).
I did that so I could beat you to it ~ be self-deprecating, demoralizing and dismissive to myself.
All that shows the world at large is that I do not love and value myself enough (or at all).
I realized no one here in the fellowship was trying to kick me
so I was able to let that go too.
After that when I would catch myself beating myself up,
I would re-direct it as soon as I had awareness of it, face it and
say, “cancel cancel” (from my Silva Mind Control training techniques) and say something encouraging or nice to me instead to replace the negative thought.
I was afraid to love me because I thought I’d become this selfish person
and as I wanted to get away from ego. I thought it will feed my ego
but it wasn’t like that at all.
My understanding of love it’s self, grew
I got even more compassion – because for once I had it for me
my life began to change so radically and fast once I implemented the act of self-loving (acceptance, forgiveness instead of seeking “approval,” compassionate understanding, awareness and a willingness to be that way now).
I am still not always that great at it, in an outward sense
like, I could take better care of my skin, junk like that – eat healthier, et cetera.
I am pretty obsessed on the inside (emotional, spiritual, intellectual) even still.
Guess I will work my way from the inside – out lol ;)
but I have to bear in mind the changes I still want to improve upon
and make time, room and space for myself and those goals. I don’t harp on them, I take a positive action each day towards them while giving me room, time and space
to feel and act human. Like a human being, not a human doing.
Once I realized that I was wasting and being dismissive of the life god gave me
by not genuinely and compassionately loving me (the way source does)
it was a direct insult and a “diss” to god (the god/HP of my own understanding).
Here I had this wonderful miracle of a life (a gift of free will) and I was crapping all over it with my behavior as a codependent enabler and manipulative (out of) control freak.
Logic said, put you first
love you like your own best friend/priority ~ and listen, honor and respect yourself.
I told myself over and over I was worth it
and we are – loving ourselves as god sees us, is our birthright.
It’s the crap of the dysfunctional home (society and the system at large) that lies to us telling us we are worth less than.
All I can say is that the work you do in the program on yourself
pays off exponentially!
It does work in all aspects of your life that you apply it to.
Forgive YOU for being human and the past choices you have made that have landed you
in the situation(s) you currently are living in. Accept that you are a human being.
We make mistakes and learn from them (or we don’t) so do not judge &/or condemn you for it. Learn from it and grow.
If you were already perfect ~ you would not have any need to even be alive.
Thanks for being here and working it with me, done