DSF30 Topics: “How do I know I’m recovering; The 3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance & Action; Focusing on MY program”
Topics: “How do I know I’m recovering; The 3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, Action; Focusing on MY program” from 3-30-2010
Hi, everyone, I’m grateful to be here today.
Even when I was not working it (the program)– I had a 24 year hiatus between working the program the first time as a teen and now again as an adult
I still always had an acute awareness of the way things are.
It can be extremely painful too, especially when it feels like you can’t do anything about changing it
like, accepting reality
which I definitely did not do well.
I was stuck in my own fantasies and delusions…
delusions of having manipulative control over others.
I actually thought what I was doing, worked (was effective and it was – only it did not give me the positive results/consequences I was after).
All I was doing, was wasting the bulk of my energy
and still being hurt, frustrated and anxiety ridden at every turn.
I was almost always confused too.
I was told in program that if I was confused there was something I was not accepting about reality
and that the level of my serenity was proportionate to my level of acceptance.
Today, because of establishing boundaries and following through on my consequences for them
if I get confused, hurt or feel awkward
I take some brief time out for me. I walk away, go think, re-group, feel the emotion for a minute or two and let it go, to see my choices before I react or choose to respond.
I don’t compromise myself anymore
and stay in situations where I feel like that.
Following through for me, has given me self-respect, self-esteem and emotional detachment from the enmesh-ment I was in.
My program is a life/death issue for me because I was suicidal.
And at my bottom, in an instant thought ~ I discovered that I am not ready to give up or go out like that.
I suddenly thought, I will give the program a fair shake
and literally that was what went through my head that fateful day.
I got to my bottom, my breaking point and
I became willing – willing to work, to listen and learn, willing to try something new and different
and I was therefore – teachable.
I knew the program was working right away too because I came into the fellowship and got heard and the people/members understood me.
That in itself felt like a true god send.
The fellowship, understanding, support and love here is palpable.
As an AcoA (adult child of alcoholic/addict) I was stuck in old programmed behaviors and the coping mechanisms (that were not effective as an adult – as an adult these were very destructive and self-sabotaging) that I picked up as a child.
I compared myself, relentlessly to others -
I had to stop doing that.
I had to get into the process of the program
and stop trying to gauge and mark every step I took against everyone else’s progress or situation.
I got into right NOW, this moment in time.
It was empowering because it gave me an opportunity
to take action for myself
in that moment.
Which was, empowering again because I could respond to myself in the moment which allowed me to trust my new self a little bit more, validating my own work and growth.
As I try something that I hear in program and apply it to me – trying it out in my life
and I see a benefit from that action ~ right away I know its working.
If it doesn’t help me, I can try something else.
You have to see what works for you in your life and what you are willing to do for yourself, in the program.
What I love about al-anon, is it is all about YOU
so I had this place that was specifically for me, designed by me and about me.
It was terrifying to focus on me
I am not going to sugar coat that one iota.
I kept trying though in spite of it. Courage is not an absence of fear, it is doing it anyway.
When my mind wandered, the moment I saw it
I would re-direct my mind back onto me (the only one I can control and change)
my feelings, my issues, my attitude, opinion and perception.
No one can help me go through my feelings for me,
I get to do that on my own. They are mine to own (be accountable and responsible for) and no one else’s.
I also stopped kicking myself when I slipped in any way, shape or form
because our slips help us to re-evaluate what we actually are doing and
slips help us re-commit to our program, ourselves and our god/HP.
The truth is this: no matter what
we can only control and change us.
When I did finally accept that powerlessness
of control over others
I realized that I did not have to stop “fixing” because now
I could fix me.
That gave me a lot of hope. Self-respect and self-control are priceless
it allows you to feel confident inside.
No one can take that from me, ever.
I am so very grateful I got willing to listen and try
life is very different now!! And much easier to boot.
Resisting, creates the pain, as you all know.
Reality is right now. Life is constant succession of new moments of “right now.”
As I surrender my will and my illusion of control to HP/god
and not focus on any particular outcome (releasing the delusion of outward “control”)
I tap into the unlimited potential possibilities
that god and the universe presents me. I can be surprised again, I can be present and thriving in my reality now. (Like I felt/was as a child).
It feels like my consciousness is continually expanding
I know that my understanding, love, and detachment do open up new layers, realities and possibilities all the time and it feels awesome.
Thanks for working it with me ~ you are worth the work and effort it takes to discover who you really are. Embrace this fact.