DSF31 Topics: “Fear of Failure; Seduction of Promises; Denial”
Topics: “Fear of Failure; Seduction of Promises; Denial” from 4-1-2010
Good morning all, I’m grateful to be here today.
Being ACoA, you grow up believing in what you see, the chaos
the manipulative relationships and
the denial. It is all a part of the “normal reality” in a dysfunctional family/situation.
I had the regular issues associated with it, that we all do here-
perfectionism – the abandonment.
For me perfectionism is entangled with an extreme fear of failure
it got so bad for me that I was no longer attempting to do new things at all
because of the fear that it wouldn’t be perfect.
Being in control, just like perfectionism
is an illusion in itself.
It’s an ego trip.
you can only get -100%- in grades in school.
Perfection doesn’t exist in reality or real life (because it is subjective and relative- it does not exist). It took me a long time to accept that.
When we don’t accept, we’re stuck in denial.
We can’t give the awareness or acceptance (away) to others
and they can’t give it to us either. It is something that we must come to realize on our own.
I did not want to live a lie anymore
and I was not willing to participate in the manipulation anymore.
Sometimes it still goes on anyway. During this last year I have worked on my inner boundaries specifically on
the things that are deeply emotionally charged for me, spiritual and private.
I am only beginning to observe this now in me as I see the effects and
after having been (naturally, subconsciously) working on them for a year or so now.
I notice I am beginning to change even more. I am gaining new clarity.
All of this comes back to me and loving myself and putting that first – the love, respect and value I have for me. I am still discovering how to protect myself here.
When im stuck in perfectionism
I cannot possibly learn anything at all.
I had to give myself the permission to try and fail at something
and not kick me for it as I practice it. I have dropped the expectation of perfectionism
so I could grow in program because if you don’t try, you don’t learn anything new.
Also the very idea of “perfectionism” for an enabler is having the appearance of perfectionism. It is not about being perfect but looking perfect to others to gain that validation and praise. It is an ego thing – again.
I don’t get seduced by the promises of others anymore either at all.
That was one of the first things I dropped when I arrived.
I can promise things to myself and deliver for me in terms of boundaries and consequences and in goals I am working to achieve.
I do not compromise myself anymore. I boundary compromising myself so when it happens – the consequence is that I take care of me instead.
I don’t have expectations about that either. I do my best in the present moment in my program and in my life.
I boundary the promises of others as well and I do not hold my breath or wish for specific outcomes. I merely wait and I will see the results later – I do not focus on the “results” of others nor do I wait around for them to change.
I focus on what I can do and change.
So far, for the most part I have been able to deliver and come through for me
so I am gaining trust
trust with myself. Part of the secret to my success in that is to pick very small goals, small consequences and boundaries so that you can without a doubt follow through on it.
Big goals or outrageous consequences that are too steep or that I cannot carry out – become an empty threat and no one respects that. Being disappointed in myself is a trigger too
it is a trigger to abuse myself, berate myself et cetera.
So to be able to actually do what I say to myself — it is an incredible feeling to be gaining this “working” relationship with myself. One in which I can reason with myself logically and take care of my inner child/soul/witness because it is mine to treasure or abuse/dismiss.
You are worth your own good loving so give it to you with compassion, respect and integrity. Be brutally honest with yourself – it is the only way to get anywhere.
Always be kind to others, they do deserve honesty but there is no reason to be brutal or cruel in your “truths” when you are expressing them or confronting others. Be civil, be kind.
These are the qualities we are all looking for, we all respect others when they are boundaried and kind themselves.
And you get it all back exponentially in program ~ whatever you put into yourself to get it in spades.
love and forgive YOU, you’re worth it!