DSF40 TOPICS: “Focusing on myself; Changing the things I can; Detaching”

TOPICS: “Focusing on myself;  Changing the things I can;  Detaching” from  5-10-2010

Good morning all!  I hope all the moms had a great weekend (Mother’s day wknd)

I am ever grateful to be here, working it with you.

I have recently discovered, as I was newly diagnosed with add/adhd

that I have, actually – been “hyper-focusing” on my program and in my life.

This new term, that the neurologist gave me – it is exhausting too, it takes up about 25% of my total energy – to stay focused in life sans the new medication.

It was very hard before, the new ADHD medication has allowed me to think and focus much easier.

I did not know how to focus on me – growing up

I did not know how to love me.

What my family showed me, was how to be a co-dependent enabler, people pleaser and manipulator.

Thank god for free will/choice.

As an adult I can re-evaluate the “coping mechanisms”

that I developed as a child living in chaos and dysfunction.  I can make choices that are healthier for me.

It is amazing how easy it is to hurt others emotionally, unconsciously

the manipulation and denial is SO strong

I wanted them to fix me, to help me (like I had done so lovingly for them for so many years).

I was not seeing the big picture or my own power.

I was stuck in that resentment and victim mentality for a long time and

it was terrifying to think about taking responsibility-

that meant I’d have to get up, clean off, change everything I was doing and

do something new.

Once I began to – change myself the only thing I can change or control ;)

it was instantly empowering.

It felt really good to be the impetus behind my own changes.

The second I put my focus onto someone else- their life, their choices, their consequences-

I am feeding the collective disease and I lose myself immediately in that.

I had to “put blinders” on

you know, like what the horses wear.

It took constant conscious effort

I was – reprogramming my mind and my behavior.

When you do change your own behavior

your feelings begin to change, then your perception changes.

Program allowed my mind to open so much more

I obviously didn’t know everything.

My best thinking got me here

I had to throw out what I knew

my expectations, thoughts.

I got into reality

which is this present moment (only)

and then this next living moment – now is a process of living in awareness and the ability to respond in life.

The past and the future are not real- when I focused on that, it created chaos in my life and a lot of pain.

I lived in my head, in my own fantasies.

They were fear fantasies of dread, anxiety and the worst I could possibly imagine.

Now, I do not have to know everything.  I can accept that.

You cannot prepare for everything

god will throw out something to you that you never even thought of even if you tried to think of every single scenario.

Being present in this moment, surrendering to god

focusing on just me – not others- is all I can do (or be insane).

This is my job to love myself and honor god/nature in my life.

To me, focusing on me and detachment are two sides of the same coin

to do one, is a constant reminder to do the other.

The loving part of detaching with love

came later for me, it snuck in from the back – it is a two-fold process.

As I followed my own boundaries

respected myself and “let” others do the same

I am expressing love which for me love is a verb

an action word, something you do and practice

just like forgiveness is.

It has been hard to accept other’s choices sometimes

but when I did that (in general) I got so much freer in my life.

Others sensed it too

I was no longer a laser beam pointed at them

my mom was happier to be around me and see me

because I quit attempting and manipulating to control her.  There was relief.

She doesn’t have a program or want to change and

I can detach from her choices and accept them and respect her – that is her life, her business.  I have learned validation and approval have no realm in love.

I don’t get triggered like I used to by their (other’s) behavior.  I don’t take it personally now.

It is an awesome experience to own yourself emotionally.

Many days wish I could hand others what I now have

-codie- behavior coming out again

so I can LOL about it and get back to me and detaching with compassion, understanding and loving kindness.

Love YOU because you are worth it and life is your gift.

done

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