DSF45 Topics: “Detachment with love, Emotional Abuse, Safety/Personal Care”
DSF45 Topics: “Detachment with love, Emotional Abuse, Safety/Personal Care” 5-20-2010
hi everyone, im very grateful to be here
some minor background on me – I am acoa and came back to al-anon as an adult at 36 years old.
I was extremely co-dependent on my mom – I thought she made the sun and moon rise
but in watching her codie behavior and emulating it – I abandoned myself constantly.
I didn’t have a clue what it meant – to love the self.
I was obsessed with the past (as I had unresolved issues) and the future
I constantly projected into it, suspecting and dreading the worst
you know, a typical worry wort 24/7
I also suffered with suicidal ideations for 25 years
I knew hopelessness and it was my companion
all that being said
when I got back here 5 yrs ago
I was told to – focus on me. It was confusing and
infuriating to hear that when you are caring and martyring so much “for others.”
I could see that members here were healthy, they were happy and calm and made sense to me.
I began to focus on me and for the first year – I had terrible guilt over it-
false guilt, bc it was coming in advance and I knew logically that I wasn’t doing anything wrong by focusing on me.
I knew it was a lesson in – self-preservation
and I used tons of logic with my mind to re-program it. I encouraged me by saying, “if I don’t love me – who will? If not now then when?”
I surely deserve my own best love.
Yes I was scared but I knew that things are scary when they are new
and that is normal/natural and okay.
I told myself it was ok to embark on new territory and I gave myself permission to make mistakes again.
As an acoa, that perfectionism thing is so strong
it is fear.
I was at the point I wasnt doing anything at all – it was paralyzing
so I logically said, I stumble and fall, I will learn
if I don’t make a mistake, I can’t learn anything new or grow
and I wanted more than anything to feel better.
I took a % of the love I gave so easily to my mom and applied it to me
that is how I began discovering self-love and it didn’t make me selfish as I had worried about.
Obsessing about everything, still never prepares you for the actual reality as
god has a sense of humor and will throw monkey wrenches in it just to shake it up and change it from your expectation, proving that you really don’t know it all.
I wanted love in my life.
I strived to be the person that I wanted to attract in a partner
this made the most sense to me
like attracts like.
And I knew if I just went from one relationship to another and I didn’t face my inner workings
I would attract the same but a worse scenario as the experiences become exponential.
See, I take it that god tries to talk to us all of the time
it us who are tuned-out.
God flicks a piece of sand at us, we brush it away.
Then a pebble, then a rock
then a brick, a larger rock, a boulder,
a brick wall, a building, a city block, then a neighborhood, a city, a country…
it keeps happening and getting worse exponentially. Our situations get more painful and more extreme at these different plateaus until we take stock of our lives and
until HP/god/nature gets our awareness and attention
or we get HP’s awareness ;)
and see that we are being spoken to. :|
I didn’t think I had any choices or that I was love-able and
that is a lie.
It is a lie from the abuse/past because we own the bad feelings of others
and take them into us.
Naturally we are that spark of the divine creative source
all that source wants us to do ~ is be loving.
I encourage you all to practice love and self-care and
and work the program.
As I surrender and be (present) in this moment, in today and right now
I am open and tapped-in to the unlimited possibilities HP/God/nature has in store for me.
When I fixate on any one outcome – or project into the future – I am immediately taken away
from all those possibilities of God’s.
I was so terrified of everything
and really, what’s going to happen?
We will have food and shelter.
I also cannot emphasise enough that it wasnt until I set and followed through on boundaries
that I felt emotional detachment from my mom as a 36 y/o adult-
I felt like a whole, single person, autonomous person
and I dived deep into the program’s process.
I wanted a whole lot more of that experience of healthy emotional detachment.
Changing is hard and no – others can’t always appreciate that in us initially – because our changes can get them thinking about their own lives and responsibility
which is both enlightening and terrifying- just as we felt when we first came to al-anon and were told we were the ones who had to change.
YOU are worth it and whatever you put into program and you – it pays you back exponentially
thanks for being here, working it with me