DSF57 Topics: “Self-care, Trust & HALT = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired”

Topics:  ”Self-care, Trust & HALT =  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired”  from 8-18-2010

Hi, everyone, I am grateful to be here today

HALT, I too took that on early in my recovery this time around in program.

I had done the steps many, many times over and

I didn’t see how that was helping me when I came back to program.

I clung to the acronyms and slogans and

when I read something that seemed to benefit me

I quickly wrote it down.

I soon had so many papers floating around my  desk- I made a word file for them,

printed out all of the slogans and sayings I liked to use as reminders to me and

I had them hanging in every room of my condo for five years.

Everywhere I looked I had program reminders.

I was so exhausted when I landed back here my life was not working – very obviously.

I was a miserable, irritated and a depressed wreck.

I have read the metaphysical books for 25 years

so I knew about what negative thoughts could do because I was so negative!

I didn’t really have that much experience with positive energy

nor did I know myself at that point.

I spent most of my life, stifling me, putting me down and abusing the self in that process.

When I was unhappy or angry, I always

I took it out on me

and my mind was vicious.

It gets that way after years of neglect, dismissals and abuse…

so I was told to forget what I knew by other members.  I was told to

open my mind and get willing.

I still have issues with eating properly in a healthy way

again I know what I am “supposed to do” logically

but doing it – is a lot harder to implement even still.

I am the only one that can feel-deal-heal what is within me.

I have not done it alone.

I surrender to HP/god as much as I can.  It keeps me connected

and it reminds me that when I am running my life

it doesn’t work so well – at all.  Ultimately my wants are irrelevant.

I was always so concerned about everyone else and

what they needed/wanted.

Eventually my own inner pain and the screams from within from

the neglected soul of the person I was “supposed to be” could no longer be ignored.

After all,  I was still in there!

I did go back inside of me, to get to that pure soul again – I tried to get in touch with what/how I could remember myself as young as I could recall…

I went all the way back to three years old  and

found my pure self, my innermost child

before all of the neglect and abuse perceived.

No one can know what you are going through

unless you can communicate it.

I desperately wanted to be rescued.

I didn’t want to do that hard work!

I had to face that too and accept me where I was and to

love me, right where I was.

Even though I felt pitiful and pathetic for not knowing how

you have to forgive you for that kind of language/attitude.

We do not deserve to be condemned and judged every second of the day

but that is what our minds do to us.  It is what the ego does- it compares, it keeps track, it measures, grades and judges.

Today I am much more open and inclusive.

I can accept that – this is your choice and it is my choice what to do with that information.

I can be nuts and focus on your problems and become ever more insane (doing the same things while expecting different results)

but how does that help me?

How does that help the other person figure out their own junk?  It doesn’t.

I will never forget when I realized/accepted

that the people I was trying so desperately to help actually

resent our help!

They resent our interference

and they fight with us about that and hate us for our involvement in it.

While we are all sad and depressed for them they resent us not focusing on making our own lives better.

Simply put I have learned that our lives are a consequence of the choices we make, period.

It isn’t because we are “good” and/or “bad” people.

It is not emotional at all!

It is merely the outcome, the consequence of our actions create our life.

I was scared to change and

afraid my family wouldn’t love me if I wasn’t “doing for them.”

But really they were using me, I was being manipulated and

that isn’t loving and kind.

I don’t need to be worried about not being accepted.

Accept you first and

surrender your will to HP’s and take your lead from HP/god/nature/the universe or whatever you choose to call it.

Ever since I have been doing this -

not only has my life changed

but it is so much easier now that I am not fighting with reality anymore.

I am not going to take up your stuff and carry it anymore.

I am still working on detaching

because I can easily get back onto your stuff – as it is my pattern to avoid myself.

If you work it daily, love you in the process and keep trying to- like it is all one big experiment.

Try to apply it, if it works great!  If not maybe that technique will come up again and it will be relevant and helpful at another time and that is perfectly okay.

I really don’t believe there is a cookie-cutter way to heal here.

No, it is organic and subjective as it happens inside of us all individually.

I am willing to listen and try anything that has worked for others.  Honestly,

I didn’t believe that any of this would work, anyway.

The beauty of it is it is all so simple!

The greatest things often are – simple, elegant, stream-lined and eloquent.

We are complicated people and we need to be heard, so

listen to your own inner soul, witness or inner child because

no one will stand up for you and care about you, if you don’t first.

Love you ~ you’re worth it!

done