DSF58-2 The Collective Disease in a Nutshell
Welcome. 8-21-2010 This was taken from what I typed to someone in the chat room I frequent for al-anon/acoa.
This is the dynamic of the Alcoholic/addicted – they need enablers – so they can (try to) blame you for what they are doing. The A (is codependent) they need us more than we need them – they need an enabler to take up the negative feelings they are tossing around, in the hopes that you will emotionally blow up – then they justify it to themselves – “see they are the crazy one, not me, I am fine” – and so they stay in denial of their own behavior – continuing to use/go numb and not be a part of reality. This is emotional unavailability and it is the crux of our disease. What each adult does is their choice. We all choose our thoughts and behaviors.
We stand in wait, in fear and in guilt focusing on them and all of their problems. We too are codependent – we focus on them and what they are doing wrong for us. Neither the A nor the codependent enabler are healthy. Neither of them takes responsibility for themselves. We cannot do it for them – we can’t feel for them – give them our feelings or take them away from them — our feelings are our own reaction/response to own. No one can “make you feel”. I repeat that bc in our English language – we actually do speak that way & it is dis-empowering and ludicrous! (ie we say things like- “you are driving me crazy,” “you are making me sick,” “you are driving me over the edge,” all equally throw away personal responsibility putting it on something outside of yourself and giving all of your personal power away!
The only person YOU can take responsibility for is YOU. We cannot change or control someone else – face it and adult will do what they will do. You do have choices – u can choose to do something else – like when u left. Think about what kind of boundaries you can set – for you. Practice detaching emotionally from owning the A’s “stuff” – and feel-deal-heal squarely with your own.
Self-sacrificing our lives – does not “make” others appreciate us – quite the opposite, they actually resent us for our suggestions, interference,prompts, reminders and judgments because to be a fault finder you have to be judging them. No one likes how condemnation feels. And we resent them for not ‘listening’ and taking our stellar advice. We are out of control – control freaks – because YOU cannot control or change someone else.
As long as you focus on them, the disease wins and YOU lose you more a little every moment. I know I “survived” that way a very long time. It is progressive and it does keep getting exponentially worse.
I agree with the previous member- of course he doesn’t want you to change. He counts on you focusing on him. This is exactly how the (collective) disease works. He wants you to feel bad, hopeless and stuck so you will keep feeling sorry and/or mad for/at him and keep feeding into the disease. You feel responsible because you take on his IFAO’s (issues, feelings, attitudes, opinions) and begin to not only believe them – because why would someone you love treat you this way unless you truly do deserve it. You already feel terrible and are buying into it, so these twisted/sick thoughts re-affirm and validate the lies that the disease is telling us. These thoughts, habits, patterns and behavior is “the disease.”
We agree to buy into the notion that people can be controlled and are controllable. Believe me this is a great lie. Your kids and your pets for that matter do not do what you say because you control them. No, they are co-operating with you, going along with you as an individual choice of their own. No one respects or values intimidation either. Intimidation does not garner respect. In fact it does the opposite! Intimidation teaches violence and fear and it breeds discontent.
Feelings are energy in motion. Emotions are not limited to “humanity” either, no, they are much more like instincts because all animals feel these same surges of energy. Ever notice how a dog can tell if someone is not a very good or trustworthy person? It is because they are much more in touch with the deep and subtle feelings/thoughts (reality) being put out by the sub-conscious body. If you are saying in your subliminal inner dialogue that you are not to be trusted – animals pick up on that. Animals do not lie to themselves and when you are honest you begin to realize how many people are actually lying around you. When one is brutally honest with and within themselves – they are much more difficult to lie to because they are not already lying to themselves. Lies from society, such as: if you buy this product you will be happy; you need a certain job or income to be worthwhile; that you deserve the hard breaks life throws at you or you are suffering because you deserve it; you have to sacrifice and work yourself to death to get anywhere or you are not really trying. We can choose to not go along with “what they all” say and think (and respond in a healthier way) for ourselves.
We are designed perfectly as we naturally are. This is how the creator made us and no amount of money or specific products or lifestyle can or will give us happiness or peace. Peace and happiness are inside jobs. You already have everything you need right as you are and right where you are to choose to be peaceful/happy right now. What is stopping you from being happy? What/why are you holding yourself back? These are spiritual questions, these are questions that you discover for yourself inside of your mind and heart – these are not conditions you can buy. You earn it with loving kindness, willingness to and forgiveness. This is what liberates and transforms.
Reality is right now. Right now – you can let go of what you knew (forgive yourself) and start over, right now you can change. Ask yourself – what can I do to allow me to feel better – today/right now? And do that healthy thing for you. Love yourself first and stand up for you and respect yourself. Once I did that – I stopped looking out – I was getting validation, love and respect – first within me, then I can give it to others. It all starts with(in) me. Empower your own humanity.
The best way to help and support an A – is to work a solid program of your own. Life is fleeting – what do you want to do with this gorgeous amazing day? Don’t try to solve the world’s problems because it is beyond any one person to solve alone. Do focus on YOU (the only person you can change and/or control) do your best each day – and allow others the dignity and respect to solve their own problems (challenges, decisions, consequences and choices) and you do the same. This program has taught me that and so much more – today I love myself and the life I actively work to co-create.
Learn about the disease of manipulation and keep coming back – stay for the miracle in your life and work it ~ because YOU are worth it.