DSF58 Topics: “Progress not Perfection, Guilt, Powerlessness”
Topics: ”Progress not Perfection, Guilt, Powerlessness” from 8-19-2010
Good morning, friends. I am ever grateful to be here, working it with you
progress not perfection
was one of the slogans I clung to early on
because as an ACoA (adult child of addict/alcoholic)
abandonment and perfectionism had to be the two worst (biggest) issues for me.
I had gotten to the point that I barely tried anything
out of fear of not doing it perfectly.
I was paralyzed and very stuck- so stagnant and in pain with it all – I so wanted to feel better.
I became willing to listen which allowed me to become teachable.
I had to start with getting the “willingness to” and I prayed a lot for an open mind
because I wanted to defend myself and fight with everything that came my way.
I was so hurt everything was an (perceived) attack on me.
If I am irritable or don’t eat all day my boyfriend can come in and ask me one question
and I bite his head off.
I still do it somewhat and can still be defensive.
So, I had to again-give myself permission to make mistakes
so that I could try something new.
You can’t learn anything if you’re not trying new things.
I was so fixated on the outcomes that I wanted, preoccupied by them.
Now I am to the point that I don’t like to ask HP for anything in particular
I say, Your Will Be Done and pray for peace now.
I had spent so many years asking for things I had no business asking for, things like
“praying” for others - for me it was all a distraction because I was still focusing on them
instead of focusing on what I could be doing for me.
Believe me, I didn’t want to focus on me
it was terrifying and I didn’t like me very much.
That made me angry too.
The truth is I was just plain angry when I got here…
lots of pain underneath.
The idea of powerlessness made me feel like a failure coming in.
I didn’t like it and I didn’t get it at first either.
When I did begin to surrender
what I was trying to do and my agenda for everyone else
when I began to make small changes in my choices for my well-being
and to not react or to not give in to the manipulative dynamic things really did change everywhere.
I didn’t even realize I had choices in my behavior- it felt like I had no choices.
It felt like I was living on auto-pilot.
Once I realized I had choices and could do what I wanted (what a novel concept!)
I began to own my choices and I began feeling extremely empowered.
It felt amazingly good!
Even though my choices were difficult – like boundary-ing out unhealthy people I formerly thought of as “friends”
I leaned harder on the program and the program members.
It doesn’t matter if others like me
if they are just using me
who wants to be “liked” in that way?
Lots of times, this is all so painful because it is your own family that’s using you.
My mom is good-natured and very loving, compassionate
but I still did feel betrayed and neglected along the way.
In fact I could be feeling a little betrayed right now – as I am filing for bankruptcy
to get out of this mortgage that my folks convinced me was the best thing for me
because they were buying it for me and now they can’t afford it.
I don’t want any future thing - like no tenant in the unit
to come back and bite me which it will as my name is on the mortgage.
So instead of being angry at her
because of the pattern, I am busy
rescuing me. As long as I focus on and work on improving me/my situation
and not fall into thinking like: ’ “I wonder what they think of this or that” ‘ or
‘ “How are they dealing with this/that” ‘
and/or ‘ “Are they mad at me?” ‘
Barf! It is all speculation! My thoughts aren’t real, projection is fear.
If they are upset with me it is their responsibility to express that to me.
I am not trying to be a mind reader anymore
again, as it doesn’t ever work – I was always wrong with what I thought about others and/or their motives.
It is a waste of time! Stop wasting your own time.
Actively love you, surrender your problems, wants, issues and agendas to HP/god/the universe
you don’t have to solve everything at once or right now.
I learned that when you slow down and stop forcing outcomes, to my surprise
life unfolds on its own quite beautifully.
Even the solutions unfold in that way.
Breathe, calm down, work-out, eat well, pray and/or meditate today.
Take out 15 or 60 minutes for just you
carve out space for you – for self-care –whatever you can start with do it.
I do this neural meditation on the phone app and
in 5 minutes I feel better - so hey take out those five minutes
to nurture YOU. You are worth the effort and time. No guilt, only respect, respect is what matters to me today.
All progress is forward, it all counts no matter how small it may seem, relish and celebrate those moments.
Accepting powerlessness means I find ways that I can be powerful
by making changes in my own life that offer me respect.
I felt guilty for the first year I tried to focus on me and then it fell away. It was guilt coming from my old pattern of doing for others to avoid dealing with myself.
Today as long as I focus on me and don’t take their inventory- it is huge progress and that is all that matters.
This is life, it is a consecutive process of moments of now unfolding into the next moment(s) of right now. It is all progress never perfection… perfection is relative, subjective and does not exist in reality. Thanks