DSF62 Topics: “What works for us, Balance, Putting us First, the 3A’s (Awareness, Acceptance, Action)”
Topics: “What works for us, Balance, Putting us First, the 3A’s (Awareness, Acceptance, Action)” from 9-30-2010
Hello, all, I am ever grateful to be here.
welcome and thank you for flying by the seat of your pants with me here :)
I got my One Day at a Time book for al-anon back in 4-24-87. I have referred to it a lot over the years.
Ok, what works for me, well I do know that I am an original individual
so lots of time rules got broken or bent to accommodate me
they are meant to be broken, right?
the one thing I never felt I had with my un-recovered acoa mom
was she could not talk to me about her feelings and how to cope with them. Maybe she just didn’t want to share or is more private than I am.
Ironically she did encourage me to share what I thought and felt, always
which as you can imagine, this was extremely uncomfortable and even painful for us both.
I was so angry because I felt so ignored, disregarded
they listened to me but they didn’t seem to hear me.
I had to pull back from her so much early on in my recovery to develop some boundaries of my own.
On two separate occasions, I didn’t talk to her for about a year
once while I was still married to the ex-AH
and again in the first year I was here, attempting to set boundaries and focus on myself.
All I saw my mom do, mostly to herself was ignore herself
and sacrifice her happiness and comfort at every turn.
So for me, putting me first and getting me into focus
was terrifying and it took me about two years, honestly.
I tried for the first one, but that second was me really trying to love me – unsuccessfully most days…
it was a very hard time and I was still in denial. I tried to go for kind and gentle, I knew what that looked like.
I came here at 36 years old and
at 39 I tried to suicide again for the third time.
Obviously I was still resistant and struggling with myself.
I see this now in hindsight because all of the other growth I had done in program
has come about in three years.
Two years for me to get to love and focus then another three or so working hard at it and
I can see how much I have changed in 3 short years.
It is astounding really because
I had absolutely no hope for myself
and I was truly self-abusive and “the martyr.”
It seems like a dichotomy that I was or had a spiritual side at all
but I did even then in my darkest moments.
I always knew my HP ~ I always had that relationship from childhood, it spoke to me the most in nature.
I just didn’t listen (obey).
I was nearly about to see that my plan for this third attempt at suicide was going to work, I was about to lose all of myself
and in a flash I was talking to god, giving my typical excuses
saying, “I’m ready, I’m sick of it all!”
“blah, blah” the same thing god had always heard from me before in my hours of desperation.
So while I am defending my idea to justify doing this, to end my life
saying, ‘I’ve tried everything!!!’
god says swiftly and directly into my head
“You have not yet begun to try to live
you are merely surviving.”
:| um, yeah, okay, I cannot argue with that – with actual logic!
I got down and came straight to chat in here and
found a member that wasn’t here during the days but
he said he felt pushed/urged to come into chat, he didn’t know why but he did.
We talked for over 2 hours at least
and he talked me down from hysteria and listened to me.
This was the turning point, my true bottom
the end of my ego as
I had to get away from it and let it go because it was lying to me.
My ego had taken up all of the sick crap from the past and it was trying to keep me down
I could call it – my disease but truly I feel it is directly from my ego.
I never had balance before
in any aspect of my life.
People that knew me, some including my current boyfriend
was convinced I too was an A (addict or alcoholic)
because of the a-isms (patterns in dysfunctional and emotionally un-available families) and extremes I exhibited.
I was most compulsive about other people and my own feelings.
I knew that wasnt the case, that I was not an A
but either way I was acting like it and it appeared that way to others.
I had to face many issues within me and
many of them have fallen away
like the fear of abandonment, perfectionism
as I work to love me and prioritize my needs, boundaries/consequences and the subsequent self-respect that behavior offers me
I love, honor and respect me first now, always.
This was trial and error at first, it took a lot of constant practice and starting over again.
A lot of re-set to zero and forgive so I can try again.
I started with a fraction of a percent of the love I gave so easily to my mom and boyfriends
it was terrifying.
But once I did grasp that tiny bit of love-
I tried to love me like my own new favorite best friend
or like I thought my mom did, sacrificing all to put me first
I could feel this tiny increment of love and it was palpable to me.
I continued to grow in kindness and gentleness with me
embracing and rescuing my inner child
and taking that tiny three-year old’s hand and re-parenting myself along the way.
My mom was great in so many ways and is
she is the sun and moon to me
but it is conflicting and confusing.
We are exploited and betrayed by the disease and the circumstances and reactions of those that love us and who never intend to hurt us.
The passage of time helped, space.
Loving me and honoring me through my boundaries with appropriate consequences keeps me self-empowered, it keeps my needs in my own hands.
I had tons of slips this year too
I can see that now in hindsight. Slips help us re-evaluate and give us the opportunity to re-commit to ourselves and our programs.
My mom was just here for a visit,
she has super bad add-adhd worse than mine, it seems.
My boyfriend and I are acoas/codies
so it was interesting – we were all triggered for a few days there
by the 4-5th days we were all adapting and getting used to it
we kept all saying, “detach” to each other.
It was cool actually
and I think my mom was stunned to see me exhibiting self-respect.
She kept telling my boyfriend “she is so different.”
I have pride and a peaceful calm about me now.
She didn’t tell me that but he did :)
She was able to sleep a lot while here too, get some good rest and relaxed some.
She doesn’t do that at home. I was glad we all had a good experience together.
I have to watch my mind like a hawk-
I have to do this daily because if I don’t the a-isms come back.
It takes practise, to maintain the growth I have now
if I want love, forgiveness, understanding, patience, faith and loving, compassionate detachment
I have to practise these things to have them.
A slip for me is focusing on someone else’s feelings or issues
loving detachment is worth it!
As I surrender what I know, my expectations, the outcomes of things I want
and connect with the hp/god/universal godhead/nature
I am open to the all of the possibilities god has to offer me
as long as I keep letting go
and continually practicing not attaching to any one idea, technique or outcome.
Now I have this kaleidoscope of possibilities
and I love how that feels today, I am working to maintain it. It feels hopeful, new and exhilarating!
I did have to officially fire myself from trying to run the whole universe
I am so glad I did that
now I can tap into my own joy and let that manifest and grow.
Resistance will always create pain for me
acceptance allows me to not judge – it allows me to be and feel in the moments of my life.
I am so glad I am letting go of judgements and comparisons.
Happiness, peace and esteem are inside jobs and
it is worth the journey and struggle to grasp.
So few have found peace in our world today, it is worth discovering and
YOU are worth loving! Done.