Slogans & Other Stuff Worth Reading ~ (DSF.64)
Topics: Slogans and Other Stuff
No share today, instead I am posting all of the materials that have helped me in my personal recovery over the last seven years in program. A lot of it is straight from al-anon, acoa and 12-steps, other is directly from anonymous members and many other sources some of which are quoted, the rest marked anon. Enjoy!
The 12 Steps of Al-Anon & (Principle)
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; other people; outcomes – that our lives had become unmanageable. (Honesty)
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. (Hope)
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. (Faith)
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (Courage)
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (Integrity)
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. (Willingness)
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. (Humility)
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. (Love)
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. (Discipline)
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. (Patience/Perseverance)
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. (Awareness)
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (Service)
Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?
Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?
Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?
Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?
Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of
Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll
Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath?
Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a
Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?
Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
Do you search for hidden alcohol?
Do you ever ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking?
Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems
would be solved?
Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?
Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered “Yes” to any of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen*
may help you.
Battered Womens Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111.
National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682
National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238
US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233
SIA (another 12 step group) Survivors of Incest Anonymous
I hope anyone facing an abusive situation or feels they need someone to talk to about it.. any questions regarding it, you will do it for you…I know DV places have so many resources for housing, for schooling, counseling. They will help you get protective orders, suggestions for legal matters and they are always anonymous.
telling your Dr, a regular practitioner and ob/gyn (or others) what happened so it was on record elsewhere helpful or even trusted clergy, for example.
HOW TO STOP ENABLING
Many times while trying to help, friends and family members actually make the situation worse by enabling the alcoholic.
Here’s some tips on how to stop enabling the alcoholic from comfortably continuing his/her current patterns:
- Cease doing anything that allows the alcoholic to continue their current lifestyle.
- Do nothing to ‘help’ the alcoholic that he/she could or would be doing themselves if they were not drinking.
- Stop lying, covering up, or making excuses for the alcoholic, such as ‘calling in sick’ for him/her.
- Do not take on responsibilities or duties that rightfully belong to the alcoholic.
- Do not give or loan the alcoholic money.
- Don’t ‘rescue’ the alcoholic by bailing him out of jail or paying his fines.
- Do not scold, argue or plead with the alcoholic.
- Do not react to his latest misadventures, so that he can respond to your reaction rather than his actions.
- Do not try to drink with the alcoholic.
- Set boundaries, don’t make threats, and stick to them.
- Carefully explain to the alcoholic the boundaries that you have set, and explain that the boundaries are for you, not for him/her.
Tip: Many times when an alcoholic’s enabling system is removed, the fear will force them to seek help, but there are no guarantees.
To learn more about enabling and the family disease of alcoholism, attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area
http://www.12stepforums.net/ main link here for all boards/mtg rooms
http://sym3540.tripod.com/themerrygoround.html < – this one is CAL (conference approved literature by the WSO alanon)
See also: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ < – this is a fantastic article on Lance Armstrong’s site, there are others like how to have healthy self esteem and others.
http://www.coping.org/ < – awesome articles
How important is it? Is it worth my serenity? Keep it simple. What’s to be will be. We’re all different.
“Resentment is a poison that we drink in the hopes that it kills someone else.” xx
“pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional” – C2C- Courage to Change- book
“Whether I’m obsessed with the alcoholic or alcohol, then it is the obsession that is the problem, not the alcohol or the alcoholic.” -xx
“Try it and prove me wrong.” –xx
“Bloom where you are planted.” –xxxx
“If you went after your Higher Power as strongly as you went after your alcoholic/addict
what would be the outcome?” -xxxxx
“ …it’s about you getting it whether he gets it or not or is drinking or not. This is your
recovery and it is all about you. If you keep looking over your shoulder to see if he is
following you, you’re gonna walk into a couple of bushes or poles or buses or other hard
stuff. Turn around face forward toward where you want to go; where you want to be in
your life and walk towards that. Hook one arm into the program and one with your HP and
go. ((((Hugs))))) ” -xxxxx
Happiness increases only as we share it with others.
A burden shared is a burden lessened.
Start accepting, quit expecting.
If I don’t surrender I have no serenity.
I am powerless over everything but me.
If I am confused about something, there is something about reality I am not accepting.
“Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you no where.” -xxxxx
“My life is God’s gift to me. What I do with it is my gift to God.” –xxxxxx
“I know that worry is a meditation on the negative.” –xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“patience is the blossom on the tree of faith” –anon.
“Forgiveness does not mean that I am ok with what happened. It means that I will no longer allow the past to rule my life.” -xxxxxxx
“We hold people captive because we don’t feel they have suffered enough for the pain they caused us. Now I see that I’m holding myself hostage for the pain I caused me, by allowing it. ” –xxxxxx
“we don’t see the world and people as they are, we see it as we are” -xxxxxx
Nov 10th (from odaat- cal)
Troubles grow bigger as we spend more and more time thinking about them. I will interrupt such thoughts with a meditation whenever their weight is too much for me. It will calm my thinking and put my difficulty into proper focus. – Empty your mind of everything and for a whole minute. Then think of something positive.
“Remember that ‘according to your faith it is done unto you.’ Worries disappear when you exercise your faith in the loving overcare of the Creator. Come, let Me assure you by My presence that all is well. Dear one, mistakes are lessons in disguise, for through these lessons one learns to forgive oneself and others.” –www.1111ProgressGroup.com
Hello and welcome – ‘ “How do I go to a meeting?” ‘ ? well u might try saying that his drinking is causing YOU a problem , I am sure he has told you many times that your the one with the problem = that we over react , exaggerate and that we are the reason they drink . Wrong, nothing we do or say will make anyone drink or stop , we simply are not that powerful ..
The booze talk is the hardest to get over telling us how inadequate we are , unfortunately we believe them and continue to become better people so they won’t drink – nothing we do will stop it . I learned that kind of talk was simply a diversion for the alcoholic anything to get the focus off themselves and put the blame on me .
Al-Anon is about you and for you , u will learn to detach from Booze talk and let it go , u will learn to set boundaries in your relationship and how to take care of yourself mentally ,physically and spiritually ..
I hope u find the courage to attend our meetings , there is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself . It is possible to get happy regardless of what he is doing . xxxxxx
3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, Action
3 R’s: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all my actions.
5 M’s: martyrdom, manipulation, mouthing, mothering, managing.
7 P’s: perspective, pain, prayer, patience, progress, pay-off, pay it forward.
6 G’s : get off their backs, get into myself, get to a meeting, get on w/ my life, get busy, get out of god’s way.
Do’s and Don’ts
Do learn the facts about alcoholism.
Do talk to someone who understands alcoholism.
Do go to Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or to an alcoholism center.
Do develop an attitude to match the facts.
Do take a personal inventory of yourself.
Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home.
Do encourage new interest and activities.
Do pass your knowledge of alcoholism on to others.
Do seek spiritual help.
Do get a sponsor.
Don’t preach or lecture.
Don’t argue with a drunk alcoholic.
Don’t have a “holier than thou” attitude.
Don’t use the “if you loved me” appeal.
Don’t make threats you won’t carry out.
Don’t hide liquor or pour it out.
Don’t resent the method of recovery.
Don’t expect immediate contented sobriety.
Don’t expect immediate contented sobriety.
Don’t try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol.
Don’t be discouraged by the mistakes you make.
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change… or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…. and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.
And you begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with … and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.
> You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want… and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone…and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state — the ego.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
thank you Done
~ Easy Does It ~ Keep It Simple ~ How Important Is It? ~ First Things First ~ Live And Let Live ~
~ One Day At A Time ~ Let Go And Let God ~ But For The Grace Of God, there go I ~ Think! Listen And Learn ~
~ Keep An Open Mind ~ Let It Begin With Me ~ Together We Can Make It ~ Be Honest ~ Keep Coming Back ~
~ Feel Good About Saying “No” ~ Fake It ‘Till You Make It! ~ Use It Or Lose It ~ ~ Talk And Grow ~ Let Go & Let God ~ How Important is it? ~ Is it worth my Serenity ~ What’s to Be will Be ~ We Are all Different
”Say what you think because those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.” – Dr Seuss
Alanon’s Three C’s: Alcoholism: You didn’t CAUSE it, You can’t CONTROL it, and You can’t CURE it!
3 C’s ~ You Can Control Yourself, You Can Change Yourself, You Can Cure Yourself
3 A’s ~ Awareness, Acceptance, Action
”ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don’t all have wings, we call them FRIENDS.”
This Too Shall Pass ~ Only God can turn a mess into a message.
Say what you mean but don’t say it meanly. ~ “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
“A’s pick up the bottle alanons pick up people.” ~ “Take the blame out of me & all u get is bla bla bla.”
“If HP brings you to it, HP will walk you through it.” ~ “Change your attitude change your life.”
Insanity is doing the same things over and expecting different results.
Don’t go to the hardware store for bread.
My serenity is proportionate to my acceptance.
Recovery is self-discovery.
Happiness & knowledge increase only as we share it with others.
Change my attitude, change my life.
“Taking responsibility & changing is scary because its new but it is also extremely self-empowering.” -KoL- kitty thats me!
“Inch by inch life’s a cinch, yard by yard life is hard”
“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am
disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation – some fact of my
life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place,
thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in god’s world by mistake. Until I could accept
my (dis-ease), I could not stay (recovered); unless I accept life on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in
the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.” - From the early version of AA’s Big Book, the third edition, page 449.
EGO – Edging God Out ~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers. ~ Progress not Perfection.
FEAR ~ Future Events Aren’t Real ~ False Evidence Appearing Real ~ Forget Everything and Run ~ Forget Expectations Allow Reality ~ Feel Engage Accept Release ~ Face Everything And Recover ~ Fuck Everything And Run? lol
YANA ~ you Are Not Alone
HELP ~ Help/Heal Ourselves/Others Purge Emptiness
MYOB ~ Mind My Own Business
FAITH ~ Finding Answers In The Heart
HALT(S) ~ Hungry Anxious/Angry Lonely Tired Sick &/or Honestly Actively Lovingly Tolerant
ANGER ~ A Negative Grudge Endangers Recovery
QTIP ~ Quit Taking It Personally
PUSH ~ Pray Until Something Happens
FINE ~ F**ked Up Insecure Neurotic
THINK ~ THOUGHTFUL HONEST INTELLIGENT NECESSARY KIND &/or THANK HEAVEN I NOW KNOW
GIFTS ~ Getting It From The Steps
ASK ~ Ask Seek Knock
HEART ~ Healing Enjoying And Recovering Together
HOPE ~ Happy Our Program Exists ~ Hope Offers Purpose Everyday ~ healing/helping ourselves purge emptiness ~ Having Other Possibilities Emerge ~ Hearing Other People’s Experience ~ Hearts Open Purely Emerge
GOD ~ Good Orderly Direction
GRACE ~ Gently Releasing All Conscious Expectations
JADE ~ (don’t) Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain
COOL ~ CREATIVE OPPORTUNITIES OFFER LOVE
FROG ~ fully relying on god
DETACH ~ don’t ever think about changing him/her &/or don’t even try and change him/her
NOW ~ No opportunity wasted.
GUIDANCE ~ God U & I Dance
DENIAL ~ Don’t Even Know I am Lying
QUIT ~ Questions undermine independent thinkers
“If I am asking them questions about what they are doing when, it makes them feel not independent and it takes away that dignity and respect.”-xxxxxxxxxxx
“My serenity is proportionate to my acceptance.”
“You can’t control the wind but you can set your sails.”
“The mind is like a parachute, it works best when open.”
“Thank You God for reminding me not to interfere with Your Divine Plan.” -Dr. RJK
“Listen not to criticisms or accolades both take you off your path.” –A. Einstein
“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” B. Franklin
If you are looking in the past or the future, you’re not living in the now/reality.
If u have one foot on yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you’re pissing all over today.
The present is a gift. The gift is now. Live for today. Live for each and every new moment.
Be gentle with yourself. Fight for yourself, you are worth it, if you don’t who will? ? If not now, when?! YOU are the key.
Let it begin with me: When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help – let the hand of Al-Anon & Alateen always be there and – Let it Begin With Me.
“In recovery we’re all like infants, first we crawl then we can stand. We take steps & learn to walk before we can run free.”
“What I defend, justify, argue or explain- I make real/true for me now.”
“we don’t always see life as it is, we see it as we are” –xxxxxx
“Thanks for your concern, and I will do what I need to do.”-xxxxx
“Our life is a gift from HP, what we do with our life, is our gift to HP” – xxxxx
Take care of you, whatever that looks like.
If you want something you’ve never had before, do something you have never done before.
“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” George Bernard Shaw
“Procrastination is another form of resistance.” –Louise Hay
“I do not have to know how to forgive, I only need to become willing to.” –Louise Hay
“today I have two choices, I can be in a state of fear or I can be in a state of love and with my HP”-rainbow
“All appears to change when we change.” – Swiss philosopher Henri-Frederic Amiel
“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” – Abe Lincoln
“To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.” Bertrand Russell
“Never interrupt an enemy when he is making a mistake.” – Napoleon
today…I don’t have to give up on my hopes and dreams…god is not limited by lack of imagination.
“Sometimes it is easier to ask for forgiveness, than permission.”
”If you are sincere in your efforts to be happy, to find love and to live joyfully there is joy, love and happiness to be found in your life.”-xxxxx
“What we go through in life is not nearly as important as how we interpret and react to those events.”-xxx
“I recently read something about the importance of developing honesty in our lives, which pointed out that pretending that something’s okay with us when it isn’t okay is dishonest. Sometimes we’re raised to be good and “go along,” but that’s dishonest.”-xxxxxx
step 1 – I cant, step 2 – HP can, step 3 – I think I’ll let him.
“Detachment allows me to disagree and not try to control the outcome.” –xxxxx
“What I focus on grows and what I resist persists.” –xxxxxxxxx
“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace”. ~jimi hendrix~
“Wisdom is what’s left after we’ve run out of personal opinions” – Aphorist Cullen Hightower
“Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on.”-Gregg B.
“FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem
TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why
EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.
ERASE IT: The thinking/behavior no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behavior patterns. You may ‘slip’ from time to time but thats ok, it’s a process and it’s about progress not perfection.
REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it’s place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behavior with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn’t work out for us, that’s ok too, just try something different.”
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
- HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
- CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DON’T DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
- SET THEM CLEARLY.
- COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
- ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
- WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and don’t need it anymore – u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.
I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents: I made my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally – then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didn’t need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me bc I no longer believed them – I could detach from him entirely & he couldn’t hurt me anymore.
Take what u like & leave the rest. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like. If you don’t stand up for YOU, who will? If not now, when? You can change – right now. Life is consecutive moments of right now. Make it something you can feel good about owning. We owe us our own respect and only we can deliver it.
Humility is defined as, “A quality by which a person considering his own defects has a humble opinion of himself and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God’s sake.” From wikipedia
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;
If you are honest and frank, they may cheat you;
Be forthright anyway.
What you spent years building, they may destroy overnight;
The good you do today, they often will forget tomorrow
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it will never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God (your HP);
It was never between you and them, Anyway.
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly, because you are a good person, is a little like expecting the bull to not attack you, because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey
Third Step Prayer …
God, I offer myself to Thee …
To build with me and to do with me …
as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage …
of self, that I may better do Thy will. …
Take away my difficulties, …
that victory over them may bear …
witness to those I would help of Thy Power, …
Thy Love and Thy way of life. …
If I Had my Child To Raise
IF I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I’d finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars,
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often,
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I’d model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.
“If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.” — Ancient Chinese Proverb
Just for Today
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways; I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do – just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
From the pamphlet entitled, “DETACHMENT” CAL (conference approved literature by the WSO)
“Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or
condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching.
Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person’s
alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily
require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our
situations realistically and objectively.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone
else’s drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.
In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else’s
drinking. We are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery
Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior
and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity
and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still
love the person without liking the behavior.”
“Detach from the problem, but not from the person, the purpose of emotional detachment is to keep myself from drawing into crises of others.”
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people;
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery;
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves;
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink;
Not to cover up for anyone’s mistakes or misdeeds;
Not to create a crisis; Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching.
It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person’s alcoholism can have upon our lives.
Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible.
Letter from an A
I am an alcoholic, I need your help.
Don’t lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn’t be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don’t pour out my liquor; it’s a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don’t let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don’t let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don’t accept my promises. I’ll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don’t make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don’t believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I’m likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily.
and u know it.
Don’t let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don’t cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don’t lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They’re the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
THE 12 STEPS TO INSANITY ( ahh jokes)
1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing – that we could manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us
2. Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves, and the rest of the world was insane.
3. Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and lives over to our care even though they couldn’t understand us at all.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.
5. Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of everyone else’s wrongs
6. Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.
7. Demanded others to either “shape up or ship out.”
8. Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to go to any length to get even with them all.
9. Got direct revenge on such people wherever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives or, at the very least, a jail sentence.
10. Continued to take the inventory of others, and when they were wrong, promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
11. Sought through bitching and nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn’t understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do things our way.
12. Having had a complete physical, emotional, spiritual breakdown as the result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs
senility prayer (joke)
god grant me the senility
to forget the ppl i never liked anyway
the good fortune to run into the ones that i do
and the eyesight to tell the difference
(For more daily reflections go to: http://hazeldon.com/)
We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.
I pray for the willingness to remember that I am a child of God, a divine soul in human form, and that my most basic and urgent life-task is to accept, know, love and nurture
myself. As I accept myself, I am accepting God’s will. As I know and love myself, I am knowing and loving God. As I nurture myself I am acting on God’s guidance.
I pray for the willingness to let go of my arrogant self-criticism, and to praise God by humbly accepting and caring for myself.
Thought to Consider . . .
Don’t mess up an amends with an excuse.
One of the slogans in the program is “Think”. Lord knows, I’ve done enough of that for several people. I think that I’ve analyzed and re-analyzed so much in my life time and yet the distortions of my thinking have only begun to be clear to me recently.
I’ve heard distorted thinking called “stinking thinking”. I think that this is an apt name because when my thinking loses perspective, it means that my head is firmly stuck up my butt, and I need to get it unstuck. I’ve also heard this expressed another way: “When I’m in my head, I’m behind enemy lines.”
I’ve had a lot of thought distortions that generally involved an ego that told me I was not liked, not good enough, not having any fun. So I would isolate myself which only made the thinking worse.
I found the following types of distorted thinking to be interesting. These were exercepted from the book, The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D. Some are examples of distorted thinking that I’ve engaged in:
1. All-or-nothing thinking – I see things as black-or-white. I’m focused on perfection and if someone or a situation isn’t “perfect” then it’s a failure. I’ve learned that no one or thing is perfect. I’m only human. And today I celebrate my humanness rather than castigating myself.
2. Overgeneralization – I see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when thinking about it. I’ve learned that “always” and “never” are God words. I only have today and can start the day over any time that I want. There are second chances.
3. Mental Filter – I pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that my vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. I’ve learned that I may get a critical comment, but I don’t have to obsess over it for days while ignoring all the positive feedback.
4. Discounting the positive – I reject positive experiences by insisting that they “don’t count.” If I do a good job, then it’s okay to feel happy. I don’t need to discount good work that I do.
5. Jumping to conclusions – I interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support my conclusion. I need a reality check.
6. Mind Reading : Without checking it out, I arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to me. Another reality check is needed.
7. Projecting: I predict that things will turn out badly. Most of these thoughts start with “What if” and end negatively. I avoid what if statements because the scenarios are endless and never positive.
8. Magnification – I exaggerate the importance of my problems and shortcomings, and minimize the importance of my good qualities. I do an affirmation list to bring out my good qualities.
9. Emotional Reasoning – I assume that my negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. Just because I may feel sad, doesn’t mean that I’m hopeless or somehow a second rate person.
10. “Should” statements – I tell myself that things should be the way I expected them to be. This leads to guilt and frustration. I don’t want to “should” all over myself. I also try to avoid thoughts that start with “must”, “ought”, or “have to”. Too many parental messages lead to stinking thinking.
11. Labeling – Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. I sometimes attach a negative label to myself when I make a mistake. Labeling is a way that I beat myself up and feed low self-esteem. I don’t label others much. I’ve learned to accept that others have their own way of doing things. My acceptance of them helps me to think constructively rather than destructively. I can be gentle with myself too.
12. Personalization and Blame – Personalization comes when I hold myself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under my control. Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. I don’t like the blame game or play it. I’ve learned to take my own inventory and not the other persons. As my sponsor says, when I speak negatively of others then it’s reflecting what I think about myself.
What I’ve come to understand through working the program is that these thoughts represent my perception which may be very different from reality. So I need to do a reality check. I ask myself whether the sad, angry, lonely, anxious feelings I’m having are based on fact. Am I trying and convicting someone due to my imagination? How does what I’m thinking compare with the reality of a situation?
In addition to doing a check on the facts, I look at what is going on and what my role is in it. I also know that I can run the thoughts past my sponsor, go to meetings, and ask for spiritual guidance in lifting me out of my miserable thinking.
Just because someone says or does something that is unkind to me, doesn’t mean that I need to own it or engage in distorted thinking. I can respond with healthy words and actions or I can choose to simply walk away. The slogan T.H.I.N.K. is a great acronym for any statement that I make: Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind?
Separating my feelings from yours: When someone else’s mood controls yours, it means your boundaries need strengthening. Automatically reacting is a lot of work. Identifying it is the beginning of healing. How? Ask yourself is this my feeling or his/hers? If it is not your feeling say to yourself, “I am not whatever. S/he is whatever, (depressed, angry, numb). Or say “I’m me, and I don’t have to feel what s/he is feeling.”
Developing a healthy boundary can also help you sort out feelings. You feel pain because of the trauma you were involved in (combat, battered wife, house fire.) That is your right. You don’t have to be over it no matter what someone says. It is okay to be in pain. You can feel the pain at your own rate and it will pass. If you feel shame at having been hurt, you can feel it without believing it. You can visualize yourself handing that shame back to your abuser. You may have to do that many times in your head before it becomes part of your boundary, but you didn’t cause your abuse, you didn’t want it, and you didn’t deserve it, whatever anyone says.
“The moment you start to resent a person, you become his slave. He controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs you of your peace of mind and goodwill, and takes away the pleasure of your work. He ruins your religion and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without his going along. He destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent. “
Remember the egg story (joke), that is eerily true of many active A’s… T/CG
One morning, the nice wife wakes up early to make her alcoholic hubby breakfast, and makes him two eggs, sunny side up. He comes to the table, looks at the food, and gets mad, starts ranting about how upset he is, and tells her that he wanted scrambled….
The next day, the good wife wakes up early again, makes her hubby breakfast, and this time makes him two scrambled eggs. She sits back, proud of her decision, only to see hubby sit down at the table, get angry again, and declare that on this day, he wanted his eggs sunny side up!
On day three, she comes up with a great idea, one that she is SURE will please him. She dutifully goes downstairs and makes him breakfast once again, this time ingeniously making him one scrambled and one sunny side up….. She cannot fathom anything except an impending positive result from her efforts. Her hubby comes down to eat, and once again is ranting and angry. She asks, incredulously ‘ “how can you be angry now…. I made one of each for you!”, – to which, the husband replies “you scrambled the wrong egg!”.
From a yahoo article on Manipulative People
Many of us like to think the best of people. We like to think that they shoot straight and are forthright in their intentions. We also like to believe that they will ask for what they want and not resort to crazy tactics to get it. Unfortunately, however, there are times when we come across those who will do whatever it takes to get what they want…including manipulation. Being manipulated never feels good, but the worst part of manipulation is that often, we don’t even realize that it is happening. Here are a few ways to know if someone is trying to manipulate you:
- Buttering You Up: To get their way, manipulators will often make you feel good so that they can then ask you to do something that they want. The person may first compliment you or tell you what a wonderful job you did on something. Making you feel good will, in their mind, make it difficult for you to say no…after all, you wouldn’t want to disappoint them or give them reason to think you didn’t deserve the compliment in the first place. What you can do: Return the compliments and the niceties before saying no.
- Guilt: This doesn’t only pertain to Catholics and Jewish Mothers; guilt trips have been a successful manipulation tactic for centuries. The saddest part of this strategy is that the victims of this tactic succumb to the manipulators’ demands because they feel they HAVE to, not because they WANT to. In personal relationships, this sets up a co-dependency that is extremely unhealthy. What you can do: Ask the individual if they want you to do something because you have to or because you want to. If they say they want you to want to do it, tell them that you don’t and that they are trying to force you into something you don’t feel comfortable with.
- Broken Record: Probably the most obvious of formats is the broken record tactic. If a person asks you enough or pushes their agenda enough…constantly repeating the question or request over and over again…in slightly different ways, the victim will inevitably give in and give them what they want. Oye! What you can do: Ask the individual what they don’t understand about the word “no.” Tell them that asking you over and over again isn’t going to change anything and that they are inappropriately over-stepping boundaries.
- Selective Memory: This one gets me the most. You swear you have a conversation about a plan and everyone is on the same page, and then one day, the manipulator pretends to remember the conversation completely differently, if at all. What you can do: Record your conversations…seriously! Okay, maybe not. At least have a witness that you can count on to back you up if the person pulls this shenanigan. Call them out on the fact that they conveniently change the game to fit their needs.
- Bullying: If a person doesn’t get their way, they make you out to look or feel like the bad guy…like you are the wrong one. What you can do: Be firm and tell them that their bullying tactics are inappropriate and unacceptable.
- KL: Change the subject: Ask a question in response to a question to divert the conversation.
Keep your eyes open for these behaviors and continue to stand your ground to ensure that you aren’t a victim of manipulation. Have you seen any other types of manipulative behavior?
From Courage to Change (on forgiveness pg 178)
“In time I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my HP used to let me know I needed help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand.
Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-anon and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don’t deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any longer. I am grateful for what I have learned. Today’s reminder: I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.”
“ …in other words, in step 6 we learn to let go n let God. this means that we must once again learn to trust God of our understanding to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.” ppgs.55-56 alanon’s big book: how alanon works for families&friends of alcoholics
To read the Big Book online and the 12 & 12 (12 steps and 12 traditions) go here: http://aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash
To hear speaker tapes on alanon and acoa go here: http://www.xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=file&id=13
For info on codependency: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/152202-what-codependancy-part-1-a.html
For alanon recovery podcasts: http://al-anonfamilygroups.org/Podcasts/FirstSteps/
Recovery stuff: http://spiderangel.www.50megs.com/alanonsayings.html
MIP chat room/Board – www.12stepforums.net
www.sober24.com – Hazelden’s site
Books: Paths to Recovery, Gettting them Sober by toby rice drews, 12 steps for adult children, Courage to Change, One Day at a Time, Hope for Today (acoa daily reader), How Alanon Works, John Bradshaw Homecomings (& healing ur inner child) acoa book, Self Esteem 3rd edition - by: mckay and fanning, Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Codependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody
10 Steps to Loving Yourself – from coda site – http://www.onlinecoda.net
1. Stop all criticism.
Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are always positive.
2. Don’t scare yourself.
Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It’s a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (like yellow roses or a waterfall), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.
3. Be gentle and kind and patient.
Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved.
4. Be kind to your mind.
Self hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don’t hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.
5. Praise yourself.
Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing. Remember that recovery is a process; sometimes you will falter, slip into old, unhealthy behaviors, or fall back into self-destructive patterns. Don’t give up and don’t beat yourself up! Instead, remind yourself that the learning curve is never straight, and then get back on the right track. There is a difference between “slipping up” and being a failure!
6. Support yourself.
Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it most.
7. Be loving to your negatives.
Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new positive ways to fulfill those needs. So, lovingly release the old negative patterns.
8. Take care of your body.
Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in.
9. Mirror work.
Look into your eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself while looking into the mirror. At least once a day say, “I love you, I really love you!”
10. DO IT NOW!!
Don’t wait until you get well, or lose the weight, or get the new job or the new relationship. Begin now– and do the best you can!
From an atricle about a movie about: love and dancing called: Take the Lead
As I said, these quotes just seemed to jump right out of my television and into my heart. I love the piece about the man not being the “boss” just because he leads but instead it is us who make the choice to follow his lead. In the moment, it can often feel so very weak-to let him lead.It really IS a choice though. We forget that we could simply not dance at all. Technically, we make that choice to dance, to take his hand, to
I do believe choosing to follow does take as much strength as taking the lead.Rori’s “vulnerability equals strength” started repeating in my head as I watched this scene.It takes our courage because we have to actually trust ourselves-we have to LOVE ourselves.I know without a doubt that the ability to trust is DIRECTLY related to the love I have for myself.
We have to know that we are amazing and beautiful and fantastic and him leading doesn’t take anything away from that beauty.It actually adds to it.The fact that we choose to be vulnerable and let him “take us on a journey” makes him absolutely certain that we are the only girl in the room that he will ever want to dance with.
The answer is absolutely NOT- YOU are not responsible for triggering you’re A’s slip. Regardless of what was said, if he was serious he would not have chosen to pick up a drink. One drink is a slip. A week of it and taking all finances with him is not . None of us do this perfectly forgive yourself and get the focus back on yourself . we are not responsible for keeping them sober anymore than we were responsible for their drinking, we all make mistakes so let go and carry on with your program . Our book Dilema of the Alcoholic marriage is awesome it talks about the drinking days , sobriety and there is a great chapter on communication. one of the biggest gifts for me is a Sponsor someone to share my fears with and comming home with a solution . He will never understand how his drinking affected your life anymore than u will truly understand his compulsion to drink. Al-Anons understand and they are the ones who I choose to speak to about my problems . A lot of alcoholics feel that if they’re sober we should be fine, the truth is we are not . keep going to meetings look after you and regardless of what he does or does not do – you’re going to be okay.-xxxxxx
Reacting vs taking action.
10% of Life is made up of what happens to you.
90% of life is decided by how you react…
What does this mean?
WE really have no control over 10% of what happens to us.
You Cannot control a red light. However, you can control your reaction. Do not let people fool you. You can control how you react.
As an example
You are having breakfast with your family and your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened but what happens next is determined by how you react.
You curse. Harshly scold your daughter, she breaks down in tears. After that you turn to your wife and criticize her for placing the coffee too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Come back down stairs just to find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish her breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediate
When you arrive home you find a wedge in your relationship with your wife and daughter.
Because of how you reacted in the morning.
A.Why did you have a bad day??
B.Did the coffee cause it?
C.Did your daughter cause it?
D.Did the policeman cause it?
E.Did you cause it?
The answer is E – you caused it!!!
You had no control over what happened with the coffee.
How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.
Here is what could have happened.
Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry.
You gently say
Its ok honey you just need to be more careful next time.
You run upstairs – change your shirt and just down in time to see your daughter getting on the bus. She turns and waves and you arrive at work in time to cheerfully greet the staff!!!
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one – he holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.
I guess you know why ALANONS make love with their eyes closed.
THEY CAN’T STAND TO SEE AN ALCOHOLIC HAVE FUN.
How many Al-Anons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. They leave it alone and let it screw it’s self.
If an alcoholic says something in the forest and there’s no al-anon there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Ask an alcoholic what time it is?
And he’ll tell you how to build a clock
A new definition for 13th stepping….
Steps 1 + 12, “My life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you!”
Did you hear there’s a new 12-step program for people who talk too much?
It’s called on-and-on-anon
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine. The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person’s neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person’s neck. That person, too, was released.
As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: “You know, I think I know how to fix that.”