DSF8 Today’s TOPICS: Focusing on self, The 3 A’s, Awareness, Acceptance & Action, Detachment ~ 1-20-2010

DSF8  Today’s TOPICS: Focusing on self, The 3 A’s, Awareness, Acceptance & Action, Detachment ~ 1-20-2010

 

when I got here, I was the definition of a codie (codependent enabler)

raised by an acoa (adult child or alcoholic/addict)

I wanted to be just like her

I learned to martyr and sacrifice myself

and do for others while distancing me from my own humanity, denying my own basic needs

when I first tried to focus on me – years ago (in 2006)

it took me an entire year before the guilt went away

I was told this was false guilt- as guilt comes after you do something you deem as, “wrong”

focusing on the self is self-preservation and it is what healthy people do

it was not wrong.  So I was told to ignore the guilt of my disease and to identify it as such

once I finally did have my own focus – then I went to discover what self-love actually is

I didn’t know how to love me

I had never done it before – I started with kind and gentle and started there

and once I did, love me – the tiniest increment

everything changed – it began immediately

it was very foreign, hard

but I began to speak kindly to myself

I stopped kicking me – when I would hear the controlling tyrant within – I would address/face that tendency

and quickly forgive me to let it go and then re-direct myself to constructive, positivity

and I began to figure out how to be kind, loving and compassionate towards me

I had previously been so very self abusive

most hateful

to myself

I suddenly was getting validated from within

and being filled up with my own love/acceptance first

so I quit looking to others to fill me up

I was afraid I would become selfish - by loving me as my first own priority

but it wasnt the case

I found I was more loving and  compassionate towards others

because I had more compassion and understanding for myself.

I am the only person I can control or change

all the years I focused on others, I was wasting my own life trying to control/help them

all of the great sacrifices I made, didn’t show the others my loving side either

because I had resentments for all – about everything I was sacrificing

and I was spiritually starving to extinction

I am so glad I did, take that risk to love me first and foremost

how I did it was I took 1% of the love I gave to my mom so freely

and applied that to me

think of your energy in this way (TY Caroline Myss)

we all get 100 units of love energy/day

think of what you put your energy  into

I was giving myself none

so I was never getting rejuvenated

when I tried to love me 1%

I was totally over whelmed

I got down to 1/4 of 1%

and that is what I started with

and it was palpable and changed my life

pretty fast too, immediately there were changes and I felt completely differently too

a few short months later I met the man that would love and accept me as I was/am

I am here to tell you, that you are worth your own good love, energy, concern, care and attention

If you don’t do it for you, no one else will ever care.

When we sacrifice us, all they see is we think of ourselves as “disposable”

and of course we are not.

I think this is what god/universe wants for us all – to be self-actualized so we can realize and grow

into the best version of the person we can be and already are

we must look, acknowledge it and claim it

When I focus on me, I am reminded to detach with loving compassion from others

the two go hand in hand for me now, sides of a coin

done