Worrying for your kids constantly does not help them and it essentially makes you completely ineffective in your whole life. Worrying is a habitual fear that runs the mind ragged. When we are worrying and projecting (into the future or onto others) we are not being emotionally present and available to us or our kids or anyone else.
One must be calm and centered to be healthy in our lives. We need to be calm and centered if we are going to be able to see the possible opportunities all around us at every moment and to be able to respond in healthy ways. Start with acceptance of this painful truth in your reality because with that acknowledgment you can begin to change what you no longer value, what is not kind. Your changed, new behavior can produce results that may better support and encourage your life right now, instead of lamenting about the past mistakes you already made. Learn from them.
Let the guilt go, let the worrying control go and be present in your life right now. Everything is a choice. Your kids want structure with consequences that make sense so they can define who they are as developing young people. This requires being taught about respect from you, respect, boundaries with appropriate consequences. If you have no respect for yourself, your children will not respect you either. Check yourself. You control your children as much as you control anyone else – you don’t. You teach them through intelligence or emotionalism at every moment of the day. A lot of authority figures teach from fear and intimidation. No one respects that and most people know these feelings, even if as kids they cannot articulate it to you. You set up consequences as a parent or you do not and your kids make their own choices in their own head about their own behavior. Emotions can only manipulate them for so long. Kids value the real you and fairness. This is present in all young human beings until their life experiences hurt them so much, that they finally just accept that all people are manipulative and dismissive as a part of our lives. They accept this about their families, themselves and the whole system of our social structure and the world at large. This explains the hopelessness of our nation, that “this is the way things are” and regular folks cannot change that. This is painful to face about yourself because it is a form of slavery that we inflict upon ourselves. This is not winning any prizes for humanity. It is not control either, it is actually evil and breaking the spirit of an individual.
If you have guilt or carry any other unresolved emotional burdens – address them as soon as possible because kids learn to cope the exact way you actually are and not by what you say. Actions and innate feelings speak louder than words. If you have accepted that all of life and people suck all the way around, go back to when you first accepted this bitter pill about humanity and change the only human you can, you.
If you are hateful, dismissive, distant and this is what you bring to your kids everyday, they will work so hard to be just like you only exponentially. People wonder why their kids are so “awful” and they are only reflecting back what they have been shown at home. Kids think if their parents are so upset by them, then they must really bad themselves. And so the chain of abusive manipulative emotional unresolved issues becomes a part of every moment of their reality’s life.
You cannot control your kids, you teach them to fear you or respect you ~ there is no in between. Abuse is abuse and manipulation is manipulation. In the end, was the illusion of control worth the time away from your own humanity? Ultimately we all make our own choices and as adults we can take more control. Adults can choose to change themselves at any time, what you believe about what you know can change if you challenge it within. Acknowledge the little lost soul within you, it is a witness to your free will and actions. In the end, you will have to face the truth inside of you and your soul may be very angry at the choices you have continually, habitually made in the judgment of itself. This is every individual’s price to bear… will your soul say, “thank you for giving me dignity and allowing me to know that self-love, acceptance and respect” or will it say, “you left me at the gate and kept abusing me and salting my wounds for every moment as you found no peace within you and now the opportunity to face yourself with love and forgiveness is passed, now you must consciously go on knowing every choice you never rectified.